1st April, 2000

When I woke up this morning I felt utterly wretched : I felt bereft, lost and hopeless.The weight of grief and anger that is accumulating on this second anniversary of my mother’s death grows daily. Somehow, I managed to get myself out of bed and into the day, out into the outside world. I made my way across town to the Children’s Farm in Collingwood . This is an oasis of nature on the river’s edge in this most urban inner-city suburb. As is my custom I sat in meditation for a while, then wandered round looking for something to draw. Eventually I found a neglected looking rosebush growing in a corner of the herb garden. I sat down and focussed my attention on the chronic ache in my back, consciously taking my breath into the pain. As I did so, the luminous petals of the flower began to reveal themselves to me, as did the curving, writhing stems that held them. Each time I saw like this, I became intensely aware of the three dimensional forms in and surrounded by space. The exquisite curving shapes of leaf and stem seemed to evoke corresponding movements within me. I could see the sunlight stored in the greenness of the leaves even though the sky was grey and overcast. When I finally stopped drawing, everything around me looked vibrant with life. I saw that everything was dancing with life and I felt happy to be here and I felt happy to be able to witness it.